3 am thoughts

The feeling that I hate the most but still love is the feeling of being alone. The pain is unbearable but at the same time it feels so good. I’ve been through so much hurt that pain is all I know. It’s like a love hate relationship when it comes to my pain internally.
I tend to push people away when they get too close, I isolate myself from everyone because I have no trust and believe that the precious times and moment won’t last because that’s all I ever experienced. I’m in constant war with myself and with everyone else and I am the one to blame because I can change it.
But for some reason every time I reach in to make that change something stops me! My thoughts, my fear, my trauma and my hurt.
Sometimes I even wonder if my birth was worthy enough, they say we are all here for a reason. What’s mine?